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Entering Adolescence: What Can Parents Do to Stay in Touch with Their Children?
What can I do to be a good parent for my early adolescent child?
Parents often become less involved in the lives of their children as they enter the middle grades. But your young adolescent needs as much attention and love from you as he needed when he was younger — and maybe more. A good relationship with you or with other adults is the best safeguard your child has as he grows and explores. By the time he reaches adolescence, you and he will have had years of experience with each other; the parent of today's toddler is parent to tomorrow's teenager.
Your relationship with your child may change-in fact, it almost certainly must change — however, as she develops the skills required to be a successful adult. These changes can be rewarding and welcome. As your middle school child makes mental and emotional leaps, your conversations will grow richer. As her interests develop and deepen, she may begin to teach you — how to slug a baseball, what is happening with the city council or county board or why a new book is worth reading.
America is home to people with a great variety of attitudes, opinions and values. Americans have different ideas and priorities, which can affect how we choose to raise our children. Across these differences, however, research has shown that being effective parents involves the following qualities:
- Showing love When our children behave badly, we may become angry or upset with them. We may also feel miserable because we become angry or upset. But these feelings are different from not loving our children. This is how they learn to care for and love others. According to school counselor Carol Bleifield, "Parents can love their children but not necessarily love what they do — and children need to trust that this is true."
- Providing support Young adolescents need support as they struggle with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents and families. They need praise when they've done their best. They need encouragement to develop interests and personal characteristics.
Young adolescents need adults who are there for them — people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time with them and show a genuine interest in them.
- Setting limits Young adolescents need parents or other adults who consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and appropriate for age and development. Limits keep all children, including young teens, physically and emotionally safe. Carole Kennedy is a former middle school principal, U.S. Department of Education's Principal-in-Residence (2000) and president of the National Association of Elementary School Principals. She puts it this way, "They need parents who can say, 'No, you cannot go to the mall all day or to movies with that group of kids." Psychologist Diana Baumrind identifies three types of parents: authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. By studying about findings from more than 20 years of research, she and her colleagues have found that to be effective parents, it's best to avoid extremes. Authoritarian parents who lay down hard-and-fast rules and expect their children to always do as they are told or permissive parents who have very few rules or regulations and give their children too much freedom are most likely to have the most difficult time as parents. Their children are at risk for a range of negative behavioral and emotional consequences. However, authoritative parents, who set limits that are clear and come with explanations, tend to struggle less with their adolescents. "Do it because I said so" probably didn't work for your son when he was 6 and it's even less likely to work now that he's an adolescent.
- Being a role model Young adolescents need strong role models. Try to live the behavior and values that you hope your child will develop. Your actions speak louder than words. If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with kindness and respect, your child stands a better chance of following your example. As adolescents explore possibilities of who they may become, they look to their parents, peers, well-known personalities and others to define who they may become.
If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with kindness and respect, your child stands a better chance of following your example.
- Teaching responsibility We are not born knowing how to act responsibly. A sense of responsibility is formed over time. As children grow up, they need to learn to take more and more responsibility for such things as:
- Completing chores, such as doing yard work, cleaning their rooms or helping to prepare meals, that contribute to the family's well being;
- Completing homework assignments without being nagged;
- taking on community activities;
- finding ways to be useful to others; and
- admitting to both the good and bad choices that they make.
- Providing a range of experiences Adolescence is a time for exploring many areas and doing new things. Your child may try new sports and new academic pursuits and read new books. He may experiment with different forms of art, learn about different cultures and careers and take part in community or religious activities. Within your means, you can open doors for your child. You can introduce him to new people and to new worlds. In doing so, you may renew in yourself long-ignored interests and talents, which also can set a good example for your child. Don't be discouraged when his interests change.
- Showing respect It is tempting to label all young adolescents as being difficult and rebellious. But these youngsters vary as much as do children in any other age group. Your child needs to be treated with respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate her differences and to treat her as an individual. Respect also requires you to show compassion by trying to see things from your child's point of view and to consider her needs and feelings. By treating your young adolescent with respect, you help her to take pleasure in good behavior.
Young adolescents need adults who are there for them — people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time with them and show a genuine interest in them.
There are no perfect parents. However, a bad decision or an "off" day (or week or month) isn't likely to have any lasting impact on your child. What's most important in being an effective parent is what you do over time.
What's the best way for me to stay involved in my child's school activities?
Your young teen needs you in her life more than she may admit (to you or to herself)— although she may want you present under different terms and conditions than she did previously. Some parents misread the signals that their children send and back off too soon. For example, for children at age nine, about 75 percent of American parents report high or moderate involvement in school related activities, but when children reach age 14, the rate of parent involvement has dropped to 55 percent. The rate continues to drop throughout high school.
Research shows that adolescents do better in school when their parents are involved in their lives and that education works best when teachers and parents work closely with one another. Here are some tips for staying involved in your child's school life:
- Set ground rules for your child at the beginning of the school year From the first day of school, make certain that your child knows what time he is expected to go to bed and get up, what he needs to do to get ready for school each morning and what time he needs to leave the house for school. Check that he knows his curfew both on weekdays and on the weekend. Make sure, too, that your child knows that he is expected to try hard and do his best in school.
- Learn about your child's school The more you know, the easier your job as parent will be. Ask for a school handbook. This will answer many questions that will arise over the year. If your school doesn't have a handbook, ask questions. Ask the principal and teachers, for example: What classes does the school offer? Which classes are required? What are your expectations for my child? How does the school measure student progress? What are the school's rules and regulations?
- Find out about the school's homework policy Knowing school policies for homework is important because by the middle grades, homework generally plays a bigger role in your child's grades and test scores than it did in elementary school. Find out from teachers how often they will assign homework and about how long it may take to complete. Do not do homework for your child. However, make sure that he tries his best to complete assignments.
- Help your child get organized Many young teens are easily distracted. With so much to do and think about, it's not surprising. The amount of their school work and their extracurricular activities often increases at the same time that they are going through a growth spurt, developing new relationships and trying to develop more independence. Young teens respond to these changes in varying ways, but many of them daydream, forget things, lose things and seem unaware of time. It's not unusual for a middle schooler to complete a homework assignment but forget to turn it in. Some schools help students develop organizational skills. Others leave the task to you. Whatever the case, you can:
- Go over your child's schedule together to see if she's got too much going on at once. Talk with her about setting priorities and dropping certain activities if necessary or rearranging the time of some of them.
- Help her learn good study habits. Set a regular time for her to do homework. Talk about the assignments. Make sure she understands what she's supposed to do. Make sure she has a calendar on which to record assignments, as well as a backpack and homework folders in which to tuck assignments for safekeeping.
- Help your child get started when he has to do research reports or other big assignments, perhaps by taking him to the library or helping him find sources of online information from appropriate websites.
- Help your child to avoid last-minute cramming by working out a schedule of what he needs to do to prepare for the test.
- Work alongside your child to clean out his backpack or clean up his room.
- Provide an environment at home that encourages learning and school activities Provide a quiet time without TV and other distractions when homework assignments can be completed. If you live in a small or noisy household, try having all family members take part in a quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a noisy toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions can't be avoided, you may want to let your child complete assignments in the local library.
Show him that the skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as an adult.
Let your child know that you value education. Show him that the skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as an adult. Let him see you reading books, newspapers and computer screens; writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; and doing things that require thought and effort. Tell your child about what you do at work.
- Attend school events Go to sports events and concerts, attend back-to-school night, PTA meetings and awards events, such as a "perfect attendance" breakfast. Remember, though, that many young teens are often self-conscious and want parents to be present but in the background. "They want you there, but they want you at more of a distance," explains teacher Bill Gangl. "They want to look out of the corner of their eye and see you there. On the track, they want to peek up into the stands to make sure somebody is watching them." Look for school activities that you can do with your child — cleaning up the school grounds, for example.
- Volunteer in your school If your schedule permits, look for ways to help out at your child's school. Schools often send home lists of ways in which parents can get involved. Chaperones are needed for school trips or dances. School committees need members and the school newsletter may need an editor. The school may have councils or advisory committees that need parent representatives. If work or other commitments make it impossible for you to volunteer in the school, look for ways to help at home. For example, you can make phone calls to other parents to tell them about school-related activities or maybe help translate a school newsletter from English into another language.
- Keep in touch with the school and your child's teachers Keeping in touch can be tricky when your child has many teachers, but at the very least it's good to know your child's counselor and a favorite teacher. The more visible you are, the more educators will be able to communicate openly and regularly with you. Attend parent-teacher conferences. Read school bulletins when they are sent home.
- Make sure your child takes classes that are needed to attend college Middle school or junior high is by no means too early to plan for your child's future. A two- or four-year college degree is becoming more and more important for finding a good job. Colleges want students and employers want workers who have taken certain courses and acquired a solid base of skills and knowledge. Good courses for college-bound students include English, science (biology, chemistry, earth science and physics), history or geography, as well as algebra and geometry. Many colleges also require applicants to study a foreign language for at least two years and some prefer three or four years of one language. Basic computer skills are also essential and many colleges view participation in the arts and music as valuable.
The more visible you are, the more educators will be able to communicated openly and regularly with you.
- Monitor how well your child is doing in school Report cards are one indication of how well your child is doing in school. But you also need to know how things are going between report cards. For example, if your son is having trouble in math, find out when he has his next math test and when it will be returned to him. This allows you to address a problem before it mushrooms into something bigger. Call or e-mail the teacher if your son doesn't understand an assignment or if he needs extra help to complete an assignment.
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Copyright © U.S. Department of Education. Reprinted with permission.
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