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Peer Pressure & Kids
Peer pressure begins at such early ages, and some children are more susceptible than others to fall prey to it. We hope the following information will help you open a line of dialogue with your children, so they know what to do when peer pressure comes knocking...
10 Ways To Help Kids To Really Say No And Buck Peer Pressure
"What were you thinking?" "But didn't you tell the kids it wasn't right?" "You did what?!!@!" Are you concerned that your kid always seems to go along with the crowd? Does she have a tough time speaking up and letting her opinions be known? Have you noticed that your child can be easily swayed to do what the other kids want? Some kids may call him a Wimp or a Scaredy Cat, your terms may be more along the lines of submissive, follower or even push over. This may not seem such a big deal now, but peer pressure gets nothing but tougher as kids get older. After all, if he has a tough time saying "no" to the tamer dilemmas of younger kids, fast forward your concerns to the kinds of wilder, scarier issues he may face later. And there is cause for some concern. A Time/Nickelodeon survey of 991 kids ages nine to fourteen revealed 36 percent feel pressure from peers to smoke marijuana, 40 percent feel pressure to have sex, 36 percent feel pressure to shoplift, and four out of ten feel pressure to drink.
Here's the good news though: assertive skills can be taught to kids. Though it is never too late, the sooner parents start boosting this friendship skill builder, the greater your child's confidence will be in social settings, and the easier you'll sleep. Here are a few strategies from my book, Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, you can use to help your child buck the negative peer pressure and stand up to peers.
- Bring the issue into the open. If your kid is suffering from a lack of assertive skills, it may be very hard for him to talk about this problem so take the lead. "I noticed during play group today Johnny told you to throw sand in the sink, and you did it. You know better. So let's talk about why you went along." "You know Rene's house is off limits, but you went along with the group anyway. You have to learn to stand up to your friends and do what you know is right."
- Share your beliefs. Parents who raise assertive kids who can stand up for their beliefs don't do so by accident. They make sure their children know what they stand for. "In our family we don't watch violent movies. Plain and simple. So tell your friends you can't go." "I don't care if all your friends use four-letter words, for you that's forbidden." "The next time a friend dares you to smoke a cigarette, just stand up and walk out. You need to stick up for what you know is right. I know how much you hate smoking."
- Stop rescuing. If your role has been apologizing, explaining, or basically "doing" for your child, then stop. You child will never learn how to stand up for himself. Instead, he'll forever by relying on you.
- Model assertiveness. If you want your child to be confident, assertive, and stand up for his beliefs, make sure you display those behaviors. Kids mimic what they see.
- Teach how to say no. Ask your child to choose phrases he is most comfortable using. "No" can be said alone: "NO!" It can also be followed by a reason: "No, it's just not my style." "No thanks. My parents would kill me." "No, I don't feel like doing that." "No, I don't want to." "No. I have to get home and I'm already late." The child could suggest an alternative: "No. Let's think of something else." "Nope. How bout we go to the skate park instead?" Tell your child it's not his job to change your friend's mind, but to stay true to his beliefs.
- Teach confident body language. Push-over kids usually stand with heads down, shoulders slumped, arms and knees quivering, and eyes downcast. So even if he says "no" to his friends, his body sends a far different message and his words will have little credibility. So it's crucial to teach your child assertive body posture: hold your head high, shoulders slightly back, look your friend in the eye and use a confident, firm tone of voice. It will help your child see what the confident body posture looks like so she can use it herself. So role play with your child the "confident look" and the "hesitant look." Then encourage your child to be on the look-out for "confident" or "hesitant" posture in other people. Look everywhere: at the mall, on the playground, even television and movie actors. Soon your child will instantly be able to spot confident posture and copy and use it himself.
- Use a firm voice. Emphasize the tone of your child's voice is often more important than what he says. So tell your child to speak in a strong tone of voice. No yelling or whispering. Be friendly but determined. Just tell the friend where you stand. A simple "No" or "No, I don't want to" is fine.
- Reinforce assertiveness. If you want to raise a child who can stand up for his beliefs, then reinforce any and all efforts your child makes to be assertive and stand up for his beliefs. "I know that was tough telling your friends you had to leave early to make your curfew. I'm proud you were able to stand up to them and not just go along."
- Hold family debates. The best way for kids to learn to express themselves is right at home, so why not start "Family Debates" or if you prefer the more gentler-sounding approach: "Family Meetings"? Start by setting these five rules: 1. Everyone is listened to. 2. No putdowns are allowed. 3. You may disagree, but do so respectfully. 4. Talk calmly. 5. Everyone gets a turn. Topics can be the hot button issues in the world, in school or right in your home. Here are just a few discussion possibilities: house rules, sibling conflicts, allowances, chores, curfews, parent-set movie restrictions. "Real world" issues could include: reparations, the Iraq War, the draft, lowering the voting age, legalizing drugs. Whatever the topic, encourage your hesitant child's to speak up and be heard.
- Don't tolerate excuses. You've been working on these skills, but your child is still agreeing to do things she knows are wrong to go along with the group such as going to sneaking into a R-rated movie or using bad words. If this happens, be sure to take clear action to reestablish your rules and your child's need to stand up to peer pressure.
It's not always easy to buck the crowd. Everyone wants to be liked. But for your child's own self-confidence, independence and future success in life, it's important he learn to stand up to a friend. So continue to encourage each and effort he makes, and help him practice the skills of assertiveness until he can confidently use them alone. And above all, remember simple changes can reap big results. So don't give up.
Peer Pressure: Good or Bad?*
Kids say, "I want one, too." Teenagers insist, "I gotta have it; everyone else does." Adults call it "peer pressure."
Kids want to be accepted, to belong, and to be like peers they admire. As a result, peer pressure can influence the choices young people make — contributing to poor decisions or reinforcing good ones. So a lot depends on what’s important to the kids your child spends time with.
The Pressure Builds
We see peer pressure starting at nursery school when a child wants other kids to play a certain game. By middle school and high school, friendships often influence the music kids listen to, the clothes they wear, and the activities they take part in — whether it’s going to the mall, practicing soccer, or drinking alcohol.
Both young people and adults deal with different forms of peer pressure every day — both spoken and unspoken. We also can feel pressure, either from inside or outside ourselves.
For Better or Worse
Many young people benefit from good peer pressure—studying for a test, signing up for a new activity, eating healthy foods, or volunteering for a community service project. Friends can provide a safe place for young people to become better at communicating as they learn to disagree and work out differences. Friends also can give good advice or agree not to do something risky.
Yet going along with the crowd can be dangerous. Depending on what a group of kids thinks is cool, a young person may be swayed to break rules or try risky behaviors. Pressure from these peers can distract a kid from doing schoolwork, trying out for a team, respecting speed limits, or obeying underage drinking laws.
Providing Support
As a parent, you can shape the way your child deals with negative peer pressure. Start by always letting your child know you love him and are proud of his accomplishments. From time to time, repeat what you mean by "acceptable behavior."
Kids benefit from frequent discussions about many topics, including use of tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs; driving; sex; respect for property; and cheating in school. Explain to your child that if he feels uneasy about doing something—especially just because other kids are doing it — STOP!
Thinking It Through
Because it’s easier for a teenager to go along with the group if she feels unsure of herself, teach your child how to be confident in refusing to try anything risky. Help her learn to make her own decisions whether they involve doing homework, coming home on time, or saying "no" — by practicing decision-making skills. Following the steps below will require the teen to make an informed decision rather than an immediate, on-the-spot one:
- Identify what needs to be decided.
- Gather the information necessary to make the decision — including possible solutions or alternatives. For example, one choice may involve fitting in with the crowd, breaking the law, and risking damage to a young body and brain. Another choice may involve thinking of other ways to have fun with friends and be popular, avoiding harm, and sticking to family values.
- List the possible courses of action.
- Think about the consequences of poor choices: disappointing Mom and Dad, getting grounded, being involved in a possible car crash, or having unwanted sex. Healthy choices may lead to taking pride in a healthy outlook, staying safe, and realizing that your child alone — not her peers — will live with the results of her choices.
- Make the decision: for example, no alcohol use until age 21.
--Review and reinforce that she can make her own choices, that she has the courage to say "no" when it conflicts with her values, and that she can be true to herself.
Which of these statements gives a true picture of peer pressure among teenagers?
- Most teens don’t care what their friends think about risky behavior.
No, teens do care what their friends think. For example, 12- to 17-year-olds who think that their close friends disapprove of drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, or using marijuana are much less likely than other youth to use these substances.
-- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 2005. 2004 National Survey on Drug Use and Health, last referenced 6/27/06.
Young people connect risky behavior with being popular.
Yes, a recent study found that nearly 75 percent of teens believe their peers who are seen as popular are more likely to engage in drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, or gambling than "unpopular" peers.
-- Parent World, 2004. The Pressure Popular, last referenced 6/27/06.
Teens think that they can resist peer pressure.
Yes, research has shown that most teens believe they can stand up for what they believe and resist peer pressure.
-- University of Wisconsin Extension, 2004. Teens and Their Peers, Parents Make a Difference!, last referenced 6/27/06.
Saying No
Many young people report that risking parental disapproval of underage drinking is the key reason they have chosen not to drink — even more important than doing what other kids are doing. However, your child may need your support to resist. Some ways to back up your expectations are to:
- Help your child practice refusal skills, including several ways to say "no": "No thanks, I don’t want any beer" or "Nope, my Dad and I are working on the car tomorrow morning; I have to get up early." Let him put the blame on you by saying something like, "No — my parents absolutely will ground me for weeks if I have any alcohol."
- Agree on a code word for him to use that means "come and get me now." Choose a word that she can use easily and that makes sense in a phone call. For example, using someone’s name in any sentence could be a code: "Is Angie there?" or "If Aunt Angie calls, tell her I’ll meet her on Tuesday." Or use a regular word, as in, "I forgot to tell you to buy chocolate chips so I can make cookies." You, as the parent, will know what that means. Make sure your child can trust you to come pick him up right away at any time. And he needs to know that you won’t blame him for being someplace where he didn’t know alcohol would be served.
You have a key role in helping your child choose friends. However, if you criticize your child’s friends, he probably will see it as an attack on him. Find out why these friends are important to him, make sure your concerns are well-founded, and talk about the behaviors that bother you — not the friends. Discuss possible short- and long-term consequences of the behaviors, help your child feel good about himself, highlight your trust in him, and make it easy for him to meet other young people. But realize that you may not be able to get your child to end a friendship if it is strong.
Sticking Together
Because peer pressure can be helpful or harmful, your teenager may need encouragement to get involved in activities where she can find friends whose outlook and character are in line with your family’s values. Together, your child and her friends can give moral support to each other, which will make it much easier to resist the wrong kind of peer pressure. Besides, by saying "no," they may give someone else the courage to do the same thing.
Conversation Starters
- Peer pressure only works if you let it — if you refuse to let it intimidate you, it loses its power. Does that make sense? Do you sometimes make decisions based on what other kids will think?
- Most young people must deal with peer pressure every day. What pressures do you feel, and how do you deal with it?
- Are there cliques in your school? How does that affect you?
- Peer pressure isn’t always (or even usually) the obvious stuff they show in TV commercials. ("Wanna try a joint? No? Whassamadda? Chicken?" What do you think of that statement? Does this sort of pressure happen in your school?
- Do you know anyone who’s always trying to get people to do something? Like what? Do they usually go along with these ideas?
Below are some books that discuss peer pressure. Use Amazon.com's secure server to order:
Visit the following Internet sites for more information on this topic:
Click here to read other articles by Dr. Michele Borba.
Click here to read other articles by SAMHSA.
Copyright © Michele Borba Ed.D. (*"10 Ways To Help Kids To Really Say No And Buck Peer Pressure"). Michele Borba is an internationally renown educator, motivational speaker, who has presented keynotes and workshops to over one million parents and teachers on four continents, and is the recipient of the National Educator Award. Dr. Borba serves on honorary board to Parents magazine and has appeared as a guest expert on Today, The Early Show, The View, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, and NPR. She is the award-winning author of 20 books including Parents Do Make A Difference, No More Misbehavin', Building Moral Intelligence, Don't Give Me That Attitude! and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me (all Jossey-Bass). For more information about her work visit her website. This article was excerpted from Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me: The Top 25 Friendship Problems and How to Solve Them, by Michele Borba (Jossey-Bass Publishers; April 2005). Reprinted with permission.
Copyright © SAMHSA: Substance Abuse & Mental Health Services Administration (*"Peer Pressure: Good or Bad?"). Reprinted with permission.
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