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Empty Cradle: A Journey of Secondary Infertility
Being able to conceive and give birth to a child, is something that should not be taken for granted. Couples who have had their first child without any problems, have been given a special gift. But these same couples may be in for a surprise when trying for their second child.
Secondary infertility occurs all too frequently, and to the couples experiencing it, I know you have unwillingly learned that having a baby isn't always an easy task. Secondary infertility is puzzling, stressful and no doubt frustrating. It will take a lot out of you. You will find a lot of support from online message boards, chat rooms and other offline groups, but don't neglect to share your feelings, and try to keep a positive outlook. I am sharing this month's article, so you will not feel alone in your journey...
April, 2001: One day, 2 yrs and 8 mths ago to be exact, I joined a group of women around the world. A group of women who have experienced one of life's saddest moments. There are no membership fees...no forms to fill out...no meetings to attend. This group does not discriminate against any woman -- you could be rich or poor, you could have children or be childless, or you could have a great job or even none at all. The one thing we all have in common is, there are usually no smiling faces. This group of women has all lost a child due to a miscarriage -- whether primary, secondary, or whenever it happens...it's just as devastating.
I don't know why it's taken me this long to write this. I guess I'm finally at a place where I'm willing and able to share my experience. I want to share my story with others so those who are going through and those who have already been through this, can see that there are many of us who have survived. Life does go on. It may be different, but you will make it through with a lot of support. I am very thankful for my husband and daughter :-).
In September, 1997 when my daughter was 2 yrs old, my husband and I began trying for our second child. We thought this would be a perfect difference in age for our children to be. We didn't try sooner because we didn't think we could afford it. How funny! The fact is, if we waited until we could afford it, we might have never had any children to begin with!
Time went by and I passed the "4-month mark", which was how long it took me to conceive my daughter. I was willing to try anything, so when I heard that nursing could possibly prevent pregnancy, I encouraged my daughter to wean. I knew that it took an average of one year to conceive, so I didn't think much of it. But with each passing month, the thought that it would never happen only grew to occupy my mind. Until that wonderful day in June, 1998 - I couldn't believe it finally happened! I was so excited, yet I had a feeling that something was wrong. "Every pregnancy is different," everyone would tell me. I guess I was spoiled by my first pregnancy -- it was so picture perfect...hardly any morning sickness! I remember only getting sick one day at work, and I went home and slept it off. My whole pregnancy and natural delivery was wonderful...I thought, "This is how every pregnancy should be." But this pregnancy was far from wonderful.
I began feeling sick right away. I was classified as a high-risk pregnancy, so I was always very careful to watch what I did. When my grandfather died and the family flew out of state for the funeral, I had to sadly turn down the trip because my doctor advised against it. She was afraid that flying would cause a miscarriage. "If I had a miscarriage after flying, I would have to live with that the rest of my life," I thought. So I stayed home. A few days later, I still wasn't feeling well. I really wanted to get out and begin planning for this baby, but I felt so sick and only wanted to stay in the house and sleep. I was exhausted and had a lot of cramping. I knew something was wrong.
One Sunday late in July, 1998, after food shopping, I carried in 2 large jugs of water from the car. Why, I don't know. Within a half hour, I began to experience a lot of cramping and I didn't feel well. When I went to the bathroom to check, I saw bright red and panicked. A call to the doctor was not comforting...he said I was most likely miscarrying, but he wouldn't know for sure until I saw him the next day. I remember laying in bed the rest of the day into the night, crying.
The next day the doctor confirmed my worst fear -- I was indeed miscarrying. I was just four weeks into my second pregnancy. What had caused it? I wanted so much to know. I speculated that it could have been from carrying in those heavy jugs of water. "I wasn't supposed to be carrying anything heavy," I thought. I regretted ever going shopping that day. But was it because of that? I also thought that it could have been because I was DES exposed. I was a high-risk pregnancy because my mother took DES in her pregnancy with me. DES - diethylstilbestrol, is a drug that was taken by many women in the 1940s to 1970s, that has been found to cause many reproductive problems in their children. I have never had any DES-related problems to date, but they could appear later in life. "Many women who are not DES-exposed have miscarriages," I was told. Whatever the reason, I had lost something really precious...the life of a child I would never see...never know...and never love. I was devastated.
For the sake of my husband, daughter, and family, I decided to mask my sadness after just one week. "They've had enough of seeing me sad," I thought. I believed this was the best thing for everyone. But as I found out in the next few months and coming year, it wasn't. I didn't realize I was in a depression, until I began seeing a therapist about my awful panic attacks. I learned that internalizing my feelings was the wrong thing to do. My body was reacting to the stress, and it wasn't healthy at all. So as suggested, I went on antidepressants to try and calm my mind.
Five months later in December, 1998, I began losing some of my hair -- very similar to after I gave birth to my daughter. A visit to a dermatologist confirmed that it was probably my body's reaction to the miscarriage...just as a woman's body changes after she gives birth. This was just another painful reminder of what I had lost, and it just added to my sadness. But just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, along came 1999. What a terrible year for me! I won't go into detail, but I will tell you that stress can wreak havoc and do all kinds of crazy things if you don't get it under control. I learned the hard way what an amazing power our minds have over our bodies. Thankfully, in March, 2000, I went off the antidepressants. I was ready to begin again.
Again months came, and again they went. I was really no closer than I was before. In August, 2000, my husband had a few surgeries, which gave us much needed time to concentrate on other things, especially his recovery. I was feeling much better in October, 2000, and had taken some tests at my gynecologist's office. After the results proved inconclusive, she referred me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).
After a few basic tests, my RE found that my estrogen levels were way off, which was killing any chance of my becoming pregnant. I wondered if this was the reason for my miscarriage. He assured us that it was a fairly simple problem to fix. In December, 2000, I had to take a break from infertility treatment due to some cysts, but it turned out to be a godsend! That one month off was just what I needed -- it did wonders for my frame of mind! It forced me to NOT think about getting pregnant, NOT having any IUIs, and NOT worrying about the approaching 28th day of the month. It gave me a new perspective on things, and I was able to get my life back for the first time since September, 1997. I was me again...not just someone who couldn't get pregnant.
My life these past few years may not have been what I would have chosen. I planned on having at least 2 children by this time (2001), and not being able to get pregnant made that feat slightly impossible :). Many women take for granted the fact that they can get pregnant at the drop of a hat, when those who are experiencing what I have, know better. We know that sometimes our bodies just can't do what we want them to. When that happens, we just have to make the best of the situation, and look at what is positive in our lives. I'm lucky to have my daughter...she's my shining light on this dark and dreary journey. Each time I look at her I smile and think, "I know when and if the time is right, she'll make the most wonderful big sister."
Began Clomid (tablets) in November, 2000, on and off until the updates below:
- May, 2001 - Began first cycle of injectibles (IUI)
- June, 2001 - Forced Break
- July, 2001 - Voluntary Break
- August, 2001 - Voluntary Break
- September, 2001 - Voluntary Break
- October, 2001 - Voluntary Break - too much going on!
- November, 2001 - Voluntary Break - too much going on!
- December, 2001 (first half) - Second cycle of injectibles (IUI)
- December, 2001 (second half) - Forced Break
- January, 2002 - Voluntary Break
- February, 2002 - Forced Break
- March, 2002 - Last cycle of injectibles (IUI) *sigh*
- April, 2002 - Voluntary Break
- May, 2002 - Voluntary Break
- June, 2002 - Voluntary Break
- July, 2002 - Invitro prep cancelled *INVITRO DELAYED - 2 UNEXPECTED SURGERIES NEEDED*
- August, 2002 - Invitro prep cancelled *INVITRO DELAYED - 2 UNEXPECTED SURGERIES NEEDED*
- August 30, 2002 - 2 Surgeries over :)
- October, 2002 - Invitro cycle begins
- November, 2002 - Injections begin!
- December, 2002 - Invitro cancelled *IVF MEDS STOPPED ON DAY 8 - low response. High FSH level :(*
- January, 2003 - Break...Options: 2 future FSH tests; or "the end." One part of me wants to seek a second opinion, and the other is afraid to.
- May, 2003 - Another birthday...leaning toward the realization that it was meant to be that I had just one perfect child :).
- May 28, 2003 - Decided it's time to get rid of my unused fertility meds :(.
"Take Charge of Your Fertility" Software, by Toni Weschler, author of the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control and Pregnancy Achievement (see below)
Visit the following Internet sites for more information about Infertility:
Below are a few books dealing with Infertility. Use Amazon.com's secure server to order:
 Taking Charge of Your Fertility: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control and Pregnancy Achievement: - Toni Weschler. Buy it now through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
The Couple's Guide to Fertility: Updated with the Newest Scientific Techniques to Help You Have a Baby: - Gary S. Berger, Marc Goldstein, Mark L. Fuerst. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
The Complete Fertility Organizer: A Guidebook and Record-Keeper for Women: - Manya Deleon Miller, Ronald Clisham. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden: Encouragement for Couples Facing Infertility: - Sandra Glahn, William Cutrer. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
Laughin' fertility: A Bundle of Observations for the Baby-Making Challenged: - Lisa Safran. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
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Choosing Assisted Reproduction: Social, Emotional & Ethical Considerations: - Susan Cooper, Ellen Sarasohn Glazer. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
Resolving Infertility: Understanding the Options and Choosing Solutions When You Want to Have a Baby: - Resolve Organization, Diane Aronson. Buy it NOW through Amazon.com's secure server!
Click HERE or on the image of the books to give this gift to yourself or someone else!
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