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Alternatives to Spanking
A frequent response to my lecture on how to discipline
children without spanking them is, "I was spanked and it
didn’t hurt me!" I bite my tongue to avoid a sarcastic
response and talk about how wrong it is to teach kids it’s
OK for big people to hit little people.
I’m also frequently asked, "How do you get a child’s attention
without spanking?"
Let me count the ways. Parents who think spanking is the only
way to get a child to listen or to mind them have pretty
impoverished thinking.
The best way to get a child’s attention is to learn to TALK RIGHT! Most parents
today say too much too often. They plead, cajole, nag, harangue, beg, lecture,
repeat themselves, and even try to “reason” with a toddler. When they get no
response they raise the volume of their voice until they are yelling or screaming.
Result? Parent gets frustrated and child gets away with murder.
Many, if not most, parents, ashamed of themselves for yelling, give in and give up.
A better way: LOWER THE VOLUME ON YOUR VOICE and LIMIT THE NUMBER OF
WORDS YOU USE.
Be sure you are close to the child and that the child is looking and listening before
you start to speak. Start with the child’s name. Make every word count. Say what
you want to say JUST ONCE.
Example: "Jennifer, it’s time to clean up the toys." If Jennifer does not listen and
obey, there must be CONSEQUENCES--every time.
Toys still all over the floor? "Jennifer, every toy that is not put away right now,
gets confiscated–that means it gets taken away from you."
Toys still all over the floor after the consequences are clearly and quietly spelled
out? Confiscate the toys.
Some parents are troubled, not about the consequences even if the child cries
when a favorite toy is given away, but about limiting the number of words used.
Parents today realize they have a role as teacher. They want their child to
understand why they are being asked to do something or to stop doing something.
This takes lots of words.
Parents also want to be their child’s friend and "happiness-manager".
Parents are less comfortable with their role as commander-in-chief. Sorry, it’s part
of being a parent. You are the one in charge. Sure we give our kids choices so they
can learn how to think and make decisions. But the choices are about which tee to
wear or which cereal to eat. We don’t give choices about whether or not to buckle
up in the car. As commander-in-chief you make a rule that the car does not start
until everyone is buckled in.
Other alternatives to harsh discipline besides talking right have been used by
parents for years and they work:
PREVENTION: Kids beginning to squabble? Separate them before the war starts.
GRANDMA’S RULE: If you do X, you will get Y. "If you clear the dishes on time I
will take you to the park."
DISTRACTION: Baby crawling toward your stereo, swoop the baby up and read a
favorite book together.
Nothing works and child has disobeyed? TIME-OUT.
One final word. Because so much of children’s behavior is based on their
developmental stage, nothing works all the time or instantly. But I guarantee that
ALL of these alternatives to spanking work MOST OF THE TIME!
Copyright © Marilyn Heins, M.D. is a pediatrician, parenting educator, writer, mother, step-mother, and grandmother. She has written close to 600 parenting columns for the Arizona Daily Star and her second parenting book, ParenTips, was published in 1999. Designed for today’s
busy parents, her book provides parenting skills and strategies that work. Dr. Heins has a parenting website, parentkidsright.com, and lectures widely to parents, grandparents, and those who work with children. Reprinted with permission.
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