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Master the "Effective Command"
Most parents -- including me -- use ineffective commands --
and then wonder why our kids don't mind us.
I used the most ineffective command of all. I yelled "Stop that!"
from across the room. The kids didn't even know which one I
was yelling at!
Other ineffective commands include:
Vague threats: "You do that once more and you'll be sorry!"
Unrealistic threats: "I'll kill you if you do that!"
Stupid questions: "Why are you doing that?"
Begging: "Please get along with your brother!"
Another common parental flaw is that we say TOO MUCH, TOO OFTEN.
We get in the habit of saying what we want over and over again. It starts out "Put
away the toys." But the kids don't listen so we repeat it several times usually in a
crescendo getting both louder and more frantic and ending with a grand finale: "I
told you a hundred times to put away the toys!" Some of us follow this with, "I'll do
it myself -- YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING I SAY!" Others use the "Go to your room --
YOU'RE GROUNDED FOR A MONTH!" route.
Of course they never do what you say, they tune you out until the volume or
exasperation levels are high enough to get their attention. Why? Because they
know your habits. They know you will say it many, many times. Remember the old
joke about the teenager who was asked to set the table and told her mother, "I
didn't hear you the first four times"?
There is a better way to get kids to listen, to obey you, or to stop "bad" behavior
NOW. It's called the "Effective Command."
In order for the Effective Command to work the parent must:
- Be Close to the child
- Start with the Child's name
- Make a Clear, Concise statement
- Have a Commanding expression on your face
- Use a Commanding tone of voice -- but keep the volume down
- Omit the word "please" -- a command is not a request like "Please pass the potatoes"
- Omit any words of warning -- hitting is NEVER allowed
- Do not give the child a choice -- it's a RULE
If the Effective Command works and your child does the desired behavior or stips
doing the undesired behavior, you're done and you have avoided lots of wear and
tear on your vocal cords.
If it didn't work, use an appropriate consequence.
Parents tell me THE EFFECTIVE COMMAND WORKS!
Copyright © Marilyn Heins, M.D. is a pediatrician, parenting educator, writer, mother, step-mother, and grandmother. She has written close to 600 parenting columns for the Arizona Daily Star and her second parenting book, ParenTips, was published in 1999. Designed for today’s
busy parents, her book provides parenting skills and strategies that work. Dr. Heins has a parenting website, parentkidsright.com, and lectures widely to parents, grandparents, and those who work with children. Reprinted with permission.
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