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Raising Children Who Think for Themselves
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Mom: "Erik, stop climbing up on the bookshelf! You'll fall and break your neck!"
Dad: "I'm so disappointed in you, Sarah. What's with this B in math? You made an A last grading period!
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Sound familiar? Even acceptable? On the surface, it seems to work, but does it? Look around us. The world is the ultimate in rugged obstacle courses for our kids-one that boot camp sergeants would drool over. But, is there a connection? Does today's prevailing parenting style really have anything to do with the mess we're in?
Absolutely. The reason the world is so full of ominous challenges is that century upon century, we've been raising our children to be externally rather than internally directed. As the examples above illustrate, we program them to bypass their powers of reason so that they make choices contingent upon the expectations and approval of the outside world. And whenever they do engage in internal dialogue to help them make their decisions, they manipulate the data with self-deceptions, excuses, rationalizations and justifications so that a bad choice conveniently becomes a "good choice."
So what happens when everyone bypasses or distorts their sense of reason, using mass opinion as their guide? Is it okay that everyone conforms to the same mold, therefore struggling to fit into the most favorable spot in the pecking order? To answer a question with a question, how well would a baseball team do with all shortstops? Players would be tripping over one another, expecting the next guy to take care of business, knocking their teammates' lights out or perhaps standing around in a daze contemplating the numerous joys of gapping spark plugs rather than putting runs on the boards. It's not too much of a stretch to see how this is linked to all those problems that plague society today-the winner/loser mentality, poor impulse control, the ever-present lack of responsibility and accountability (after all, who would feel responsible for the consequences of someone else's choices?), an over-bloated sense of entitlement, the frustration that comes from not being rewarded for complying with society's standards, the lack of creative contributions, etc. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see how these attitude flaws can lead to horrors like war, famine, poverty, welfare, violence, substance abuse, underachievement, body image disorders, cynicism, apathy, racism, crime and so forth.
The way we've been handling these problems over the course of human history isn't working. Sure, we throw money into anti-gang efforts, dream up a thousand different ways of battling crime, declare war on drug trafficking, extol the benefits of safe sex and launch education programs against drunk driving, but this is like pruning away at the withering branches on a dying tree. Why aren't we questioning why the tree is sick to begin with? We must look to the roots, not the branches, to cure that tree. The way we raise our children is at the root of our societal problems, and if we want to truly address those problems, we must raise them to become self-directed. So what world-changing qualities can we expect in self-directed children because of their unabashed reliance on their own reasoning powers?
Qualities of Children Who Think for Themselves
- An extremely high self-esteem and self-confidence level: Self-directed children learn to assess themselves objectively in ways that help them grow rather than ways that tear them down. This self-assessment is driven by their powers of reason, not by the opinions and evaluations of others, and reason, after all, is a very fair and impartial judge.
- The willingness to take risks: Self-directed children have no fear of failure, because failure only frightens those who fear the rejection or ridicule of others. To the self-directed, failure is an opportunity for growth, not a weapon meant to sabotage their self-worth.
- Competence: Because of their ability to take risks, self-directed children rack up a mighty impressive list of skills and abilities, making them highly competent individuals.
- Independence: This level of competence gives them a strong sense of independence, which, along with their highly developed reasoning skills, makes them excel as independent thinkers and problem solvers.
- High integrity: Self-directed children have high moral standards, because they make their choices for the right reasons...reasons that have nothing to do with their temptations and emotional impulses or the expectations and approval of others. They make choices that preserve their own best interests which, by definition, can never allow a breach in their moral principles nor require another to sacrifice in their behalf.
- The ability to be an asset to any group: Self-directed children have the ability to be an asset to any group, because to earn their way into each group, they rely on their own identity rather than some social façade mocked up to please that group. Through this unique identity and their elaborate internal dialogue skills, they can internally analyze their unique gifts, talents and skills to come up with a meaningful role or contribution designed to benefit the group's welfare.
How Do We Get There?
So what are we to do? How do we raise our children to become self-directed? Raising Children Who Think for Themselves offers seven key strategies to parent kids who think for themselves. Let's concentrate on just one today-guidance techniques that encourage self-direction-in other words, how to discipline in ways that don't promote external direction, i.e. threats, yelling, reprimands and spankings. Kids aren't born with the knowledge of how to behave among others. They need to be taught the rules of civility so that they don't treat people as background props to use and abuse at their disposal. But how can we do this without getting them to react to us as external influences? The key to disciplining our children in a way that encourages self-direction is to find ways to motivate them to comply, through their own internal dialogue, with clear and reasonable rules of behavior that you, the parent, set out.
There are several tenets of a strong, self-directed discipline program.
- First, if children are to decide, through reason, to comply with a rule, that rule must be one they can agree with. If they don't understand a rule or agree with its purpose and meaning, they won't follow it in a self-directed way.
- Second, we have to treat our children with respect. If we want them to trust their ability to make the right decisions on their own, we have to show them that we respect their ability to do so, and that means we must show them the same respect we expect them to show to us and others.
- Third, we must be consistent and follow through on our discipline tactics. If we're inconsistent, it sends mixed messages, making it nearly impossible for them to be consistent in the internal contemplation of their behavior.
- Fourth, we must model our own good behavioral choices. Double standards create a confusion that makes clear internal dialogue impossible.
- Fifth, we need to try to keep our cool. Yelling, screaming, or wigging out in any way brings to a screeching halt any attempts our children may have to internally reflect upon their poor choice. We become the bad guys-the target of their every thought, all of which are insulting, I assure you.
- Sixth, we need to make sure we address the behavior, not the child. Soon, he'll learn that every mistake he makes is a reflection of his self-worth. And he'll react through counterattack, shifting all of his focus externally on what a mean and horrible parent we are rather than internally contemplating the consequences of his behavior.
- Seventh, we can cut the blabber. The more we lecture, explain, nag, negotiate, threaten, coax, bribe, plead, whine, beg, direct, demand, insist, warn or interrogate, the more static our children will have to cut through before they will be able to internally reflect upon their choices.
- Eighth, we must make sure that our children are always the rightful owners of their problems. Making their behavior problems more important to us than to them sends them the message that we have no faith in their ability to handle the problem.
- Ninth, we can try to eliminate much of the negative verbiage in our discipline language. Words like stop, no, can't or don't tend to encourage us to define our children in terms of their flaws rather than their strengths, and it gives them the opportunity to drag us into the gladiator's pit with their problems where suddenly, we're to blame because we're such monsters.
- Tenth, we should avoid using external influences to change their behavior. Threats, bribes, ultimatums, or rewards are examples. Invoking a higher authority like Santa or the Easter is another no-no. These ploys send children the message that we ( and more importantly, they,) can't handle their problems alone-that the answer to all of their problems is in the outside world, not within them.
- Eleventh, we must avoid rescuing our children from the consequences of their misbehavior. Doing so only strengthens our children's dependence on external rather than internal guidance.
- Twelfth, we should try not to use ignoring as a discipline strategy. It infuriates children and/or drives them to ever-more obnoxious behaviors. I don't know about you guys but when I'm infuriated, the last thing I do is contemplate ways to correct my mistakes. I'm too busy going for the jugular.
Let's recap why this is such a crucial mission for us, as parents to take on: So what if we let things go on as they are. Suppose we go for the prize behind door #1 allowing our children and their world to remain externally directed, because, hey, our lives are okay! The marriage is comfy, the kids aren't driving us crazy every minute, money's not bad. So what would we have? Read the newspapers. Watch the 6 o'clock news. Heck, look around your own neighborhood! I rest my case.
Suppose we decide to choose the prize behind door #2 by raising self-directed children. What kind of world would we create, then? We'd have a world where people live according to their own thoughts rather than the thoughts of others. A world where people can appreciate their own unique strengths and translate them into meaningful roles that will contribute good things to others. A world where all people live in harmony and feel the utmost respect, understanding and love for each other. A world where people are free to express their thoughts and creativity. A world of competent, independent, self-assured people with the highest sense of integrity. A world rich in peace, prosperity and hope. A world both we and our children deserve.
Below is a quiz you might want to take. It will help you assess just how externally or internally directed your own children are. Take a deep breath, be painfully honest and be prepared for surprises!
Copyright © Dr. Elisa Medhus, mother of five and author of the provocative new book Raising Children Who Think for Themselves, has thirteen years of experience dealing with the biggest problems families face. Her new book gives parents concrete, common-sense tools for getting through to their kids, with seven effective strategies for raising independently-minded children.
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