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Little Red Schoolhouse or School of Hard Knocks?
Making Sense of the Bully Phenomenon
Bullies. We all remember them. Some of us wince at the thought of wounds that still seem fresh, but today, bullying is no longer about pushing, shoving, punching and teasing. It's about verbal torment and physical banishment, often to the point of suicide or revenge. In the wake of the most recent teen shootings, there's a growing urgency to make sense of all this before more young lives are lost or irreparably crippled.
The latest attempts to create anti-bullying policies have their merits, but to eliminate the problem altogether, we must build a new dyke rather than try to plug the leaks as they break, because eventually, we'll run out of fingers and the dyke will crumble. To lay down the foundation for that dyke, we need to understand the basic nature of human behavior.
Like wolves, human beings are pack animals, and like all pack animals, we have a strong need to belong to our pack. How we satisfy that need makes all the difference in the world. The self-directed do so by using their powers of reason to come up with a unique contribution or meaningful role that benefits the pack. The externally directed do so by relying on outside influences like their peers, the media, and rap song lyrics to please the pack-to comply with the arbitrary standards of acceptability the pack demands they live by. In the case of bullying, the bully takes on the dramatic role of torturer to empower himself in an aggressive quest for pack acceptance. In essence, it's his way of elbowing his way into the most favorable spot in the pecking order.
But his efforts would be thwarted were it not for an audience supporting him through their inaction. Bystanders, by not intervening in behalf of the victim, tacitly imply group agreement in favor of the bully-subtle support that reinforces his tyrannical hold. This inaction is motivated by the same force that motivates the bully-the need for pack acceptance. "What if I step in? Will my friends think I'm not cool? Will I be shunned or ridiculed? Will I be the next victim?" This overwhelming fear of pack rejection becomes a paralyzing force. Furthermore, allowing one pack member to be exiled from the group means there's one less person to compete with in the pecking order.
And what about the victims? Do they, too, share the responsibility for their fate? Certainly. They are accountable in that they've chosen to satisfy their need to belong through conformity rather than contribution. We all can't live up to the arbitrary and often warped standards of worthiness our packs demand of us-standards like beauty, power, fame, wealth, and "being cool." Any physical defect or personality quirk makes us vulnerable targets.
So what's the answer then, if all parties are to blame? The key is to teach children to become self-directed-to make choices because they are right rather than make choices contingent upon outside approval. This unfettered choice making process, enables children to objectively analyze what they have to offer in the way of talents, gifts, skills, abilities, and strengths. They can then come up with a unique contribution or meaningful role that betters the group's welfare.
I remember my years of middle school Hell. Although the bullying wasn't as bad then as it is now, it was brutal. But there was one kid that everyone adored. Joel. All of the boys looked up to him. All of the girls had crushes on him, me included. At first it puzzled me, because he was rather homely and nerdy. But in spite of his flaws, he was well loved by his peers. Why? Because he had something to contribute. He was able to see others in terms of their strengths rather than their flaws. By being able to see the good in each of us, we felt understood, accepted, loved. Single-handedly, this young man was able to satisfy one of our most basic needs through his friendly words, his attentive gaze, his sincere appreciation of our presence.
We can and must teach our children to rely on contribution rather than compliance to fit in with their peers. We can start by including self-direction skills training in their curriculum so that they develop a deep understanding of the choice making process and the driving forces that either motivate or derail it. This can even be accomplished through existing programs like D.A.R.E. Schools and other points of access can offer parenting workshops to teach mothers and fathers the various parenting strategies that encourage self-direction in children. I propose that we launch a National Initiative for Choice Reform as a springboard to disseminate self-direction training through all possible avenues. If we work together, we can tear down this world of hostility to build a new world of harmony-a world our children deserve.
Copyright © Dr. Elisa Medhus, mother of five and author of the provocative new book Raising Children Who Think for Themselves, has thirteen years of experience dealing with the biggest problems families face. Her new book gives parents concrete, common-sense tools for getting through to their kids, with seven effective strategies for raising independently-minded children.
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