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When the Bough Breaks - The Origins of School Violence
Society's breath has been taken away. While her pained gasp still reverberates throughout the world, she asks, "Why are children killing other children? What pushes them from the cradle of innocence to the den of despondent depravity?" "Why must our "good" kids dread school, not because they hate homework but because they fear for their lives?"
We've tried to answer this question by pointing uncertain fingers toward neglectful parenting, the lack of gun control, substance abuse, and other factors, but we're still shrouded by confusion. Why? Because our eyes are cast too distally-toward the withering tips of the branches of that sick tree that is our youth today. We nip and prune away with new legislation and promising programs, but eventually, the disease ignores our good intentions and jumps from branch to branch to branch. We need to look proximal to those branches, past the trunk, and to the roots, because the key to the real question lies dormant there: why do we have this problem in the first place?
At that root lies a fundamental property of human behavior-we are, much like dogs and wolves-pack animals. That said, second only to our urge to survive is our urge to belong to a pack. In the case of our children, this urge is particularly strong, fueling an intense desire to fit in and be accepted by their peers.
But we've failed them, because we've raised them to know only one of the two ways of satisfying that need-begging for acceptance by pleasing and conforming with their peers-complying with those arbitrary and often warped standards of worthiness that their peer group demands they follow.
So what do our children do? They use external beacons-beacons like the media, song lyrics, violent movies, and the evaluations and opinions of their peers-to shape their every choice. Through this external guidance system, they make all of their decisions contingent upon what will win them approval and acceptance. Sometimes it works, and they're welcomed into the fold with open arms. Sometimes it fails miserably, and they suffer relentless torment through teasing, bullying, and rejection. Many victims of this cruel treatment withdraw into oblivion. Others, as in the case of Columbine and Santana High, retaliate through revenge.
What we have neglected to tell our children is that they can be rewarded by peer approval by earning it-by coming up with a unique contribution or meaningful role that betters the group's welfare. They can do this by being self-directed-using their own internal dialogue to decide if a choice is right or wrong. Along with internal cues like their past experiences, their moral principles and values, and an understanding of their own strengths, talents, skills and gifts, they can consider the pros and cons, the alternatives, and the consequences involved in each decision. Through this, self-directed children are free to make their choices, because they believe those choices are right rather than because think those choices will make them seem more worthwhile. So, instead of using choices to help them compete for the most favorable spot in the pecking order, they can use their choices to carve out a meaningful role within their peer group and come up with unique ways to contribute to the group's overall well-being. Happily, they are rewarded with that sense of belonging they thirst for, but as the reward, not the driving force, for their decisions.
So what can we do? We can teach our children how to think for themselves-to recover their true power of thought, to learn how to be rewarded with acceptance as a consequence of their contributions instead of needing acceptance and thereby conforming. We can also try to give children more meaningful roles in our society. Now, they're often considered annoyances, burdens, or necessary evils. But the truth is, children can and want to contribute in unique and meaningful ways, not only to their peers groups, but to humanity as a whole.
We can begin by developing a pilot program to include "self-direction skills" in elementary school curricula. Once this becomes an intrinsic part of all curricula, there are countless other avenues through which this concept can be disseminated-not just to children, but to parents as well. For those seeking help for their own children, Raising Children Who Think for Themselves, provides practical parenting strategies that encourage self-direction in children.
Imagine the happy repercussions. Schools that offer safe harbor for adventures in learning, rather than schools that serve as warped rites of passage for those lucky enough to survive.
Copyright © Dr. Elisa Medhus, mother of five and author of the provocative new book Raising Children Who Think for Themselves, has thirteen years of experience dealing with the biggest problems families face. Her new book gives parents concrete, common-sense tools for getting through to their kids, with seven effective strategies for raising independently-minded children.
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