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Timeouts-Punishment or Learning Experience?
A great deal of controversy surrounds the subject of time-outs. Some believe that banishing children to a separate area sends them the message that they are so terrible that they must be removed from present company. Others think that it's a non-degrading, effective means of discipline and certainly preferable to yelling and hitting. My personal belief is that children should only be separated from a group if reasonable attempts to have them correct their own behavior within that group have failed. More important, if that separation must occur, time-out shouldn't be an exile but a "regrouping station" or "thinking corner" to give children either an opportunity to create the internal dialogue necessary to assess and correct their behavior, or a logical consequence to protect the rest of the group from their misbehavior.
If we use time-outs as a form of punishment through exile, we are giving our children another external cue to rely on to make their behavioral choices. So if, by some happy miracle, they do comply with the rules we establish, it'll more than likely be because they're afraid of our reaction rather than because it's the right thing for them to do. In other words, the way we use the time-out strategy can mean the difference between raising an externally or self-directed child. Here are examples of both:
Self-directed time-out
Removal should be done calmly and politely, so they won't be tempted to focus externally on how mean and unfair we are. After a short time, we can try to help them examine the events that led to their time-out. Then, we can teach them how to find alternative solutions to the problem as well as ways to prevent it from happening again. Let's analyze one situation where a timeout could be used to promote self direction:
Jimmy bites his best friend, Brandon, on the arm out of sheer frustration. The first thing we can do is show him that we understand his feelings, "I realize that you were so frustrated with Brandon that you bit him."
Then we firmly state the rule that we expect him to follow, "Biting is not allowed, Jimmy." Next, we ask him to come up with an alternative solution. If he draws a blank, it's okay to help him out a little: "If you don't like something that Brandon is doing, then maybe you can use your words to let him know how you feel."
After that, we need to deliver a logical consequence: "Jimmy, I want you to sit here by me until you cool off. I'm worried that you might still be angry enough to make the same mistake."
Finally, we can have Jimmy makes amends: "Now, I want you to come up with something that you think would help take care of Brandon's feelings." If he refuses, he'll just have to sit out longer to ensure another fracas won't occur.
Very likely, a series of interactions such as this one would suffice. Through this dialogue, Jimmy learns that his feelings are not only understood but that he is permitted to express them, as long as he does so without hurting anyone. He also learns how to use his reasoning skills to come up with alternative solutions and discovers that all of his actions have consequences. In the end, he's given the opportunity to right his wrong. Therefore, Jimmy is taught how to conduct himself with others without being separated from them for an extended period of time.
If the first approach fails because Jimmy is so hysterical or enraged that he can't even listen to what we have to say, we can say something like, "Jimmy, you seem to be too mad to think, right now. I want you to sit by me on this bench and give yourself time to cool off. When you're not as mad as you are now, maybe you can give some thought to what just happened between you and Brandon and what you might plan to do about it." If the situation is beyond that, and we see the little veins sticking out in his neck, we can use the time-out as a "protective corral," by saying something like, "Jimmy, I need you to sit here by me so you won't be tempted to hurt Brandon again. You're so angry, I'm afraid you might do something you'll feel sorry about later. When I feel comfortable that you won't hurt one of your friends, we'll talk about what happened, and you can play with them again." If you need to modify the time-out for those children who refuse to stay put, you can restrain them in your arms and say something like, "I have to stop you until you learn to stop yourself." Both these examples entail using time-out as a logical consequence. Regardless of which self-directed time-out we choose, the first approach can be attempted again, when Jimmy's calm and coherent.
Externally directed time-out
If we had chosen an "externally directed" time-out by saying something like, "Jimmy! You march right over to that bench and sit down for ten minutes. I don't want to hear another word from you!" Jimmy probably would have used that time thinking, "Mommy isn't being fair! She likes Brandon better. She didn't hear him calling me all of those names. I hate Brandon! I'm never playing with him again!" This response certainly isn't what we want, because here, Jimmy has evaluated his predicament as an unjust punishment, turning us-the judge, jury, and executioner-into an external influence that incites reactions from him that will dictate his next course of behavior, as if we are pulling the strings on a puppet.
In summary, the time-out discipline strategy does work for some situations and some parents. However, it shouldn't be used as a substitute for parental modeling, words of guidance, or logical consequences. Rather, this strategy should be used as either a chance for children to quietly contemplate their misbehavior and find workable solutions or as a logical consequence that separates them from the rest of the group (parents included) so they can't harm the members of that group in any way. That said, time-outs can be valuable learning experiences rather than a humiliating exiles-breeding reflection, not resentment.
Copyright © Dr. Elisa Medhus, mother of five and author of the provocative new book Raising Children Who Think for Themselves, has thirteen years of experience dealing with the biggest problems families face. Her new book gives parents concrete, common-sense tools for getting through to their kids, with seven effective strategies for raising independently-minded children.
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