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Minimize the Waves of Divorce
Divorce drops into our private pond and creates waves that
last beyond our lifetime.
We must make ripples instead.
Divorce is never envisioned when we give birth to our
children. They were conceived in love. We had full
intentions of keeping that love strong always. As
pre-divorced parents you created a stable loving
environment for your children to thrive on.
Hopes of good health, love and happiness filled your
heart while watching your children with pride. As
parents you realize that they depend on you for
everything in their young lives, you are their idols.
They look up to you in every way, with needs
for security, love and guidance.
We give it unselfishly and unconditionally.
Because they were born into a loving family, they take
for granted that it will last forever. They go about their
lives thriving on the love from both their parents. Then
reality sets in - a divorce divides the two most important
people in their lives.
Everything in life has consequences, good and bad.
Divorce is no exception. Only you, as parents can
minimize your children's divorce consequences.
It's not so much the divorce that causes the emotional
damage; it's the conflict, arguments and bitterness that
accompany it. They see this as a threat to their security.
Most children feel that they have caused the divorce
because they don't understand how the two people they
love most in the world could stop loving each other.
In the beginning they try to change, they'll do almost
anything you say for fear that you will stop loving them
also. When they realize that they don't have any control
over the divorce, major problems can occur. Watch out
for anger, frustration, falling grades and any behavior
that isn't age appropriate or normal for them. Perhaps
taking them to a child psychologist might be necessary.
What you are going through is difficult, but we are adults
and we need to put aside our needs to care for our children
like we did pre-divorce.
Don't lean on them; let them lean on you. Keep them out
of the middle of all issues. Don't ask them to take sides.
Make sure they know how much you both love them.
So many inevitable changes will occur in a short time to
these young lives, try not to add to it.
Spend regular time with them, talking or doing things
you always have done with them. Whether you are the
custodial parent or not keep regular, familiar routines.
They will be watching you very closely, act as pre-divorce
as possible. If they ask questions regarding the divorce,
give light age appropriate answers.
Always keep the commitments and promises you make
to them,they need that security now more than ever.
If possible stay in the family home, and when you must
move try and stay in the same neighborhood, the same
school. The less changes the better.
Remember, the divorce may or may not have been your
idea, but it certainly wasn't your children's, and they will
be paying the highest price for it. The emotional scars will
live on in them and their children. You as adults must put
them first to reduce their emotional scarring. This is the
one thing you have total control over in your divorce.
The ripples may last forever but they don't have to become
waves.
Copyright © 2001 Liz Wertman. Reprinted with permission. "Divorce Strategy for Men and Women", Your guide through the divorce maze. Learn how to reduce legal fees, stay out of court and maintain your parenting rights.
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