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Mother's Day for Stepmoms
By Dawn Miller.
Mother’s Day is admittedly – an awkward day for stepmoms. I’m not a mother – yet - just a stepmom to three. I was relieved this year to see our new church does not ask mothers to raise their hands and be recognized with a flower. I always felt non-flower-worthy at our old church – like I didn't qualify since there was no stepmom or "like a mom" category. Thankfully, our new church puts all the flowers in a box to the side and says if you’d like to honor someone for Mother’s Day, pick a flower and give it to them – a pragmatic solution given the blended family nature of our times.
Even though I’m not a "real" mother – I engage in "mothering" behavior – I fret over the middle child’s future and lack of direction after graduation, buy the books used by the oldest at college, bake them all cookies, ask them to keep their shoes off the furniture, and take the youngest shopping. I bought medicine when they were sick, learned how to cook so I could feed them, and played chauffeur until they learned to drive. I love my stepchildren – they are part of my family – and I feel an obligation to care for, nurture and encourage them. I'm still not a mother - and I know that - but I am much more than a friend.
Yet Mother’s Day remains problematic on many fronts for stepfamilies - and for us. My husband is grateful – and so am I – that his children have a mother who loves them – and I wouldn’t want to rain on her special day in any way. So I don’t like to make a big deal about Mother’s Day - I expect to be second fiddle at best.
One of my stepmom friends would be fussed over by her stepchildren - because their real mother didn't want to be with her children on Mother's Day. The stepmom felt awkward about it and like she was in a place she shouldn't be. But these children had no other female authority figure to honor that day - so she was their princess paramount - the stepmom who doesn't mind a little gratitude, but isn't comfortable willing wearing the tiara of motherhood.
Unfortunately – there's few options - other than creativity - for acknowledging stepmoms for their "mom-like" behavior. The few cards for stepmothers out there are often trite, in short supply, and poorly or stodgily written. The term "stepmother" carries so many negative connotations that often the "like a mother" or more generic non-mother mother’s day cards are at least marginally better than the stepmom cards. It is easier to find a Mother’s Day card for an aunt who is "like a mother," than for a bona-fide stepmom. It's actually worse than trying to find a birthday card addressed to a stepparent - ick - Hallmark and the other greeting card companies are truly missing a market.
What’s sad is that people make even our stepchildren who want to do nice things for their stepmoms to acknowledge them – feel like they are going outside the norm. One of my stepmom friends relayed to me that her stepdaughter’s elementary school class made planters as gifts for mother’s day. When her stepdaughter asked for a plant so she could make a gift for her stepmom – whom she lives with half the time – the teacher balked. Eventually she let her make a second planter. If the little girl wanted to give her stepmom a gift to show she appreciates her support and care – why shouldn’t she? Why does it have to be a big deal when the teacher had extra plants anyway?
Admittedly, my experience with the holiday has been spotty. To honor my first mother’s day as a stepmom - the kids gave me a necklace and said nice things. The next year – they didn't notice me at all – and I was crushed. Last year I concocted a scheme to leave town to visit my mother for the holiday, but cancelled my trip when my mother-in-law passed away a few days before Mother’s Day. Instead my mother came to help us through our grief. As we sat in the car waiting for the funeral procession to start – the youngest one handed me a card from all three kids carrying a beautiful sentiment for Mother's Day.
With this kind of track record, I know the only thing to expect on Mother’s Day is the unexpected. Then this morning my stepdaughter handed me a card – the most wonderful card – in which she wrote a long note about how much she appreciates me in her life and how she knows I love her. It was completely unexpected – and exactly what I needed to hear – that the day in and day out struggle of raising a family are worth it, that the things we do 364 days a year are appreciated and noticed. It didn't matter that I wouldn't be toasted as the creme de la creme - just that the sentiment was said. And as I went through my day I pulled out that card and read it again and again.
It was the best Mother’s Day I’ve ever had – for someone who’s not a mother.
Copyright © Dawn Miller. Dawn writes a column on life in blended families at TheStepfamilyLife.com. Website links about stepfamilies, a free e-newsletter and bookstore are available. Readers are welcome to her. Reprinted with permission.
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