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Teen Tantrum: The Apology
By Dawn Miller.
A friend recently sent me a link to the online inspirational presentation, "The Interview With God.” After the interviewer asks God what he as a father would like for his children to know, God replies, "To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved."
I’m not one for mushy-feel-good spirituality. But that tiny profound truth stopped me cold. Because those are not easy things to do. Especially not if you’re a stepparent. Or a parent for that matter. And you have a teenager. In your house. You know the type - self-immersed and moody.
My stepdaughter is 15 and a few weeks ago she hit a boiling point. She hit every button possible, and the weekend built to a climax when she burst out over the dinner table at me, "I hate you."
I was positively mortified. Where was the child who insisted on baking a birthday cake for me last year? The kid who likes to try on ridiculous shoes and go bargain hunting? Who worried she accidentally broke into the cream cheese so I couldn’t bake a cheesecake?
Gone. Absconded with by this red-headed pouty pissed off hothead. It was not pretty.
Unfortunately the stepmom button is a convenient hot-button for teens. It’s tantalizingly simple – push once and you’re guaranteed to get loads of attention, stir up trouble between dad and his wife, and distract everyone from why you are truly upset.
Ironically – her mother, father and I all agree – her blow-up had nothing to do with me or anything I did – and everything to do with growing pains. She was upset because her grandmother is dying from cancer, her brothers are growing up and her friends are gravitating away from her.
As understanding as one can be about kids and their hurts –and the scars that kids of divorce carry – it hurts to have someone treat you badly.
It’s easy to acknowledge that we cannot make someone love us when they are screaming I hate you in our faces. But it’s even harder to admit it when they don’t say a word. As a stepparent it’s very hard to realize that we can play a mentoring role in the lives of our stepchildren, that we can sacrifice financially for them, do things they think are fun, and support our spouses all the way in parenting, and yet we still find ourselves caught in the age-old stigma - as the evil stepmom hag.
Even though I’m a grown adult and don’t expect my stepchildren to love me, I do expect for everyone in my home to be treated respectfully. And our home’s values were violated. And there are consequences.
Her dad talked to her – a lot – and made it clear that what she did was not appropriate. I talked with her some with her dad. And her brothers ratted her out. Even her mom told her she had behaved abominably and had to apologize.
Privately I ranted to her dad that if she had been half as rude to the pizza delivery guy she would have been dragged to Domino’s to cough up an apology pronto. He assured me – give it time. I sulked and pouted inwardly.
A few days later when I got home from a long day at work, she sought me out privately. Neither parent was in earshot. She apologized both awkwardly and profusely. It gushed out and she said she felt terrible about her behavior.
The teen years can be tumultuous in a regular family, much less a stepfamily. Our children and stepchildren are struggling with how to open themselves up to the people in their stepfamily, and so are we as adults. It may be tempting to demand an immediate apology, but a sincere one is worth so much more.
Copyright © Dawn Miller. A thirty-something wife and stepmom of three, Dawn writes a bi-weekly column on life in stepfamilies at TheStepfamilyLife.com. Website links about stepfamilies, a free newsletter and book reviews are available. Reprinted with permission.
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