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Creaking and Moaning Through The Holidays
By Lisa Barker.
No, I don’t live in an old house. It’s not even haunted. All of the creaking and moaning going on around here is mine and it’s the direct result from trying to keep up with Richard Simmons and his companions on these exercise videos I have.
Good Lord, am I that old already?! I tried to run across the parking lot the other day in a spontaneous burst of energy. The kids beat me. I came in last, limping, my knees complaining every step of the way. What happened to my body???
And where in the operating manual does it say that the parts are going to start breaking down in the mid-thirties? I thought, thanks to the baby boomers, that middle-age had been pushed up to fifty. If that’strue…then that means I’m still a kid and I’m crippled!
You know you’re getting old when you can’t start your day without a cream you rub on your joints so you can get up and walk in the morning. And your favorite is the one that smells like peppermint.
I also can’t just spring up out of a chair anymore, not if I don’t want my lower back to protest and threaten to join my knees in a strike. And don’t even suggest that this has something to do with the weight I’ve gained. Don’t even go there!
The last thing anybody wants to hear before the holidays is “D I E T.” That’s just not fair, and it sure takes the merry out of Christmas.
HOW does one diet through the holidays? Either you keep the fact to yourself and try to politely pass on all the treats, thereby PUBLICLY OFFENDING the family member that baked that custard and those éclairs just for you, or you announce that you’re on a diet and then brace yourself from the onslaught of goodies that are quickly propelled your way.
Don’t ya love it when you’re overweight? All the medical books say so, your doctor says you are, so it’s not a vanity thing, and yet people who claim to love you take it upon themselves to prove you wrong!
You’re not fat; you’re BIG-BONED. Who hasn’t heard this one?
You’re not fat; you’re very pretty. What, does fat mean ugly??
You’re not fat; you’re tall. Hunh?
You’re not fat; you’re not as big as Aunt Sophy. Ah, the old you’re not fat UNTIL you’re as big as Aunt Sophy approach.
You’re not fat; I made you a lovely meal. Which means, you’re not fat tonight!
It’s not easy navigating your way through the holidays when you are trying to watch your weight. And just what does it mean to watch your weight? I’m thinking it means hopping on the scale every morning to see how much weight I gained overnight. I mean, how else do you watch your weight? Stand in front of a mirror all day?
You can bet that’s one place I won’t be…at least I won’t be looking in a full-length mirror. In fact I’m thinking of asking Santa to deliver one of those funhouse mirrors that make you look REAL SKINNY. Everybody needs a little nudge in the right direction, don’t they?
Happy Holidays!
Copyright © Lisa Barker. Lisa Barker writes from home amid the chaos and confusion of a busy household. Mom to five kiddos and nine cats, she finds ample material to keep the smiles and laughs coming. Laugh out loud at JellyMom.com! Reprinted with permission.
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