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Coaching Children to Deal With Conflict
“That's all nonviolence is—organized love.” — Joan Baez
What is it?
In today’s world we are overwhelmed with conflict. In addition, children are confronted with the war and threats of terrorism daily. Violent crime in schools continues to increase to disastrous proportions. Children are at risk in their daily lives from the bullying committed by their own school mates. Columbine and other incidents of school children taking one another’s lives makes it of the utmost importance that we support our children in dealing effectively with conflict.
How does it help?
Conflict resolution is the term for a variety of techniques used to deal with conflicts in nonviolent ways. It is especially useful in schools as we strive to teach children to deal with one another peacefully. Anyone in your family can benefit from learning how to resolve conflicts creatively and nonviolently. It will help your family’s relationships, your children’s relationships with their friends and at school, and even your relationships in the workplace.
What do we do?
Take a look at the RELAX model for conflict resolution described below and then explain it to your children. You may wish to have older children read the description for themselves.
R — Remove
E — Explain and Explore
L — Look For a Resolution
A — Assume Personal Responsibility for Your Actions
X — Cross Over to the Other Side
R -- Remove: When conflicts happen people are usually angry. The first step in dealing with conflict effectively is to step away from the conflict and calm down. Before you can go back into the situation with any hope for a peaceful resolution, it helps to be calm. Talk about this idea with your family members. Discuss how important it is for family members to have a brief cooling off period before trying to discuss a problem.
E -- Explain and Explore: Next, when you come back together it is time to try to figure out what happened. In order to make this work, everyone in the family (or other group situation) can be asked to adhere to some basic ground rules. Ask everyone to agree to the following rules:
1. Talk calmly—no raised voices or yelling.
2. No name-calling.
3. Talk as much as possible in “I - statements.” For example: “I feel really upset when...”
4. Ask the question. (Why does that bother you? How do you feel?)
Explore together what happened from everyone’s point of view. Talk about how the situation makes people feel. At this point it is a good idea to have one parent or adult act as a mediator, someone who can moderate and help others understand the individual perspectives.
L -- Look for a Resolution: Now ask the question, “How can we solve this?” Let the participants in the conflict decide what they could do next time to improve the situation. What do those involved need to feel better about the existing situation? Let everyone have an opportunity to speak and share feelings and ideas for resolution.
A -- Assume Personal Responsibility for Your Actions: In this step, everyone involved takes responsibility for what they have done. This is the time in resolving a conflict when people need to understand exactly how their actions have created this conflict. Everyone has a part in the conflict, and this is the opportunity to figure out what that is. Assuming responsibility is what makes people accountable for their actions.
X — Cross Over to the Other Side: To cross over to the other side means to see things from the other person’s point of view. This is the step for people in a conflict to have empathy for one another and see it how the other person sees it. This is also the step to ask forgiveness, to apologize, and to forgive. This is the step to shake hands or to hug, and to become friends again.
After you have read the description for the RELAX model and have explained it to your kids, ask them to use it when they have a conflict. Remind them of the acronym and see if they can remember what each letter in the word “relax” stands for in solving conflict. Use this model any- time you need to help children solve a conflict and encourage them to remember the model for other times they need it like at school or at play.
What’s next?
As children in your family become comfortable with the model, let them have a chance to be the mediator in a conflict. Supervise this action so that you can make sure that children are being fair; remember to praise their attempts at peaceful conflict resolution. You may find that children are harder on themselves than you, as the parent, might be.
Simplify
Young children have a more difficult time learning the steps for the RELAX model but you can still teach them the basics. When they have a conflict, the first thing to do is take deep breaths and get calm. After they are calm them, talk about and work through what happened. Can they explain how they feel? Can they demonstrate what they need to feel better? Discuss the concepts of kindness, fairness, and sharing. Remember that children at a very young age will need these concepts modeled for them repeatedly.
Expand
Talk with older children about the war and the concept of peaceful resolution. Give them a chance to voice their opinions. Why do they think peaceful resolution works between nations? Under what circumstances do they think that war is a necessity? Talk about the idea behind the United
Nations. Talk about your opinions and let them hear what you think.
More Ideas
- Encourage your children to join clubs or service organizations such as Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts where they can work with a team of children at various projects to help others.
- Talk with your children about making new friends at school and inviting kids who aren’t playing with anyone to join their group.
- Help your children find pen pals or write email to armed forces stationed overseas.
- Have a block party. Invite the neighbors on your block to bring a dish and have an outdoor buffet.
- Make a point of welcoming new people to the neighborhood.
- Let children have a “Bring a Friend” party where each invited guest brings a new friend.
Copyright © Dr. Caron B. Goode. Caron Goode's (EdD) insights are drawn from her fifteen years in private psychotherapy practice and thirty years of experience in the fields of education, personal empowerment, and health and wellness. She is the author of ten books and the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents, a training program for parents & professionals who wish to mentor other parents. Send her an email. Reprinted with permission.
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